


I'm the Kind of Human(?) Wreckage that You Love!

by TheHomestuckWhovian



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, Blood, Blood Drinking, Gen, I just really liked Buffy as a kid, M/M, No kinky stuff i'm very sex repulsed, One Shot Collection, Vampire Hunters, Vampires
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-12 20:48:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28766574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheHomestuckWhovian/pseuds/TheHomestuckWhovian
Summary: Collecting my Vampire AU stories here because fuck it might as well.
Relationships: Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	1. Context: A Collection of Tumblr Posts

**Author's Note:**

> This is all stuff for my Vampire AU on Tumblr, which you can find [here](https://boopboopitydoop.tumblr.com/tagged/vampire+au). This AU is just my take on Vampire Juno, with a focus primarily on humor, some world-building, and a general lack of sexiness because I'm sex-repulsed and also I personally don't get the appeal but then again I'm very ace. The mature rating is mostly due to one particular one shot that features more mature themes than the rest, but there are no sexy times actually shown, which puts me a step above Buffy when it comes to being appropriate for teenagers. Still, I felt it was best not to risk it and gave it the mature rating for safety's sake. This makes this the first thing I've written to get a mature rating.
> 
> I posted all of this months ago, and I considered cross-posting the stories to AO3 and so this is just me finally just doing it. Please read the warnings in the summaries as they apply, and maybe avoid reading if you are squeamish about blood, because it is brought up a lot. If I miss any trigger warnings, please shoot me a message at [boopboopitydoop on Tumblr](https://boopboopitydoop.tumblr.com) and I'll edit them as soon as possible.
> 
> The title of the collection is the last line of "Blood" by My Chemical Romance. Considering Juno's unhappy relationship with blood is the key point of humor in this AU, I thought it'd be funny, and this line fits Juno before his character development pretty well.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a bunch of my tumblr posts explaining some things about the AU. All the links are to the specific posts copied into here.

> [boopboopitydoop](https://boopboopitydoop.tumblr.com/post/616930988571934720/listen-guys-i-know-the-purpose-of-vampire-aus-is):

> Listen guys. I know the purpose of vampire aus is mostly to be sort of sexy and shit and that Peter is normally made the vampire because “mysterious” and “sharp teeth”.
> 
> But like…AU where Juno is the worst vampire because he needs blood to live but he’s still afraid of it.

[boopboopitydoop](https://boopboopitydoop.tumblr.com/post/616937466727972864/i-literally-just-posted-this-but-the-hilarity):

I literally just posted this but the hilarity ensuing from Juno getting turned into a vampire during like some self-destructive bender or something and not actually having a hard time with most of it. Rita thinks it’s the coolest and has no problem sticking around even if he’s not human anymore, no one questions why he only ever seems to work at night (Also Mars is farther from the sun so he can handle a little sun exposure. As a treat. Yes I’m keeping this on Mars it’s funnier that way.) and it fits his aesthetic anyway, he was too depressed to even really have the energy to cook so garlic is a non-issue, etc. Being a vampire actually doesn’t negatively impact him much because he’s a disaster.

But the blood.

Literally every time he tries to feed he nearly faints because needing to drink it to live didn’t take away his issues with it. Rita keeps coming up with ideas to handle his blood consumption because the only other option is Juno waiting until he’s desperate before feeding and she’s not gonna let her boss accidentally starve himself to death. Some of them (opaque cup with lid and straw) work better than others (just close your eyes?).

Bonus: Mick figured out Juno was a vampire ages ago but every time he tries to tell Sasha she doesn’t believe him.

Anonymous asked: hfsdjkl Vampire Juno who's still afraid of/hates blood is so funny bc Rita would be the one who's constantly making sure he's drinking enough so he doesn't like waste away and you just know it would play out exactly like a parent trying to convince a 5 year old to eat their vegetables

[boopboopitydoop](https://boopboopitydoop.tumblr.com/post/616939406067204096/hfsdjkl-vampire-juno-whos-still-afraid-ofhates):

I just reblogged the original post talking a little bit about that because _yes_. Rita just trying to come up with all these different ideas to get him to drink his goddamn blood.

She gets him like a dozen different opaque cups with lids and straws, all of them in outrageous colors and with dumb pictures and writing on them. Juno secretly loves all of them though he complains because they look ridiculous. It’s hard not to laugh at this grizzled looking private detective sipping from a cup that looks like this:

It works great until Juno goes back to his apartment with them by accident and has to clean them out. And there is also the actually acquiring the blood part. Rita’s got that mostly covered, but the people at the blood bank are getting concerned.

[boopboopitydoop](https://boopboopitydoop.tumblr.com/post/616991626114531328/with-the-vampire-au-im-playing-it-with-a-bent-of):

With the vampire AU, I’m playing it with a bent of “Juno Steel being a vampire and shenanigans ensue” because the angst is already inextricably linked to the concept. Someone trying to balance their humanity and their monstrous nature is an inherently angsty concept (see: TMA), especially with Juno “Would rather get killed by an apocalyptic weapon than go to a therapist” Steel and his martyrdom complex the size of Texas. Exploring the funnier, more mundane issues with it is a lot more fun for me?

Anyway, Rita has a spray bottle that is labeled “Holy Water” (it is not actually holy water, as Rita hasn’t been to church before and she wouldn’t want to risk actually hurting her best friend) that she keeps under her desk. When Juno is getting too in his head over the vampire thing, she sprays him with it. The office is declared a No Angst Zone by HR (aka, Rita). No, she doesn’t care if any clients ask why his hair is wet. He can get all stereotypically broody in his apartment.

That is the vibe of this AU on my end, essentially. Juno Steel with “holy water” drenching his dark trench coat, reluctantly sipping blood from a hot pink cup with a lid and a straw and “Go Away” on the side in glittery letters, while Rita writes down notes in her “field guide” about Juno which are basically noting all the stream stereotypes and tropes he fits.

[boopboopitydoop](https://boopboopitydoop.tumblr.com/post/617617949689348096/okay-one-fun-fact-for-the-vampire-au-juno-steel):

Okay one fun fact for the Vampire AU:

Juno Steel breathes. Not because he needs to, but as a force of habit. His lungs don’t really convert oxygen into carbon dioxide properly anymore, due to his circulatory system no longer functioning, so he breathes out the same air he breathes in.

When you knock him unconscious though, he stops breathing. Which has saved his ass a couple times (accidentally playing dead when shot with a blaster set to lethal tends to mean his enemies assume he’s down for the count and so don’t expect him to show back up to kick their ass), but let’s just say that if you’re his buddy of the day and you find him lying on the ground, no pulse and _not breathing_ , not knowing why…yeah…

Anonymous asked: For your vampire Juno au, you seem to be steering clear of the ‘oh what a horrible angsty travesty’ angle, so when Peter meets Juno is it funnier if he can tell right away 100% that he’s a vampire or if he just. Has no idea. Like Juno isn’t even trying to hide it really, Nureyev just Does Not associate this lady with vampirism.

[boopboopitydoop](https://boopboopitydoop.tumblr.com/post/622057141213315072/for-your-vampire-juno-au-you-seem-to-be-steering):

Ooooooh you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to talk about this.

The answer is…Peter has _no idea_ until he tries to dramatically show Juno the Utgard Express like in canon…except Juno refuses to get out of the car because _sunlight_. And even then it takes him a bit because his knowledge of vampires is based pretty firmly in the Outer Rim (and he never actually completed hunter training since it wasn’t a priority, though Mag was planning on handling the last of it once New Kinshasa went down), where sunlight is much less of an issue.

And you are absolutely correct, Juno doesn’t do more than the most superficial attempts to hide his vampirism (ie. he doesn’t tell people unless it is necessary for them to know or they witnessed something that’s hard to explain unless he tells them), which is why _Mick_ of all people figured it out (he knows Juno well enough to recognize the sudden changes in his behavior are not just another depression thing and dumb enough to not try and reason his way out of the realization of “oh shit he’s a vampire”).

But Peter just…doesn’t pick up on it until way too late. And admittedly, Juno’s strength and durability is not as impressive as a lot of vampires he knows because of his poor diet, so he sees things like Juno being stronger than the average person and his first thought is “hot buff lady” not “huh that’s a vampire trait”.

Basically all the factors, including meeting Juno at night, spending most of their time indoors, not having an opportunity to see him consume anything more than whiskey (and vampires can get drunk btw), Juno’s habit of unnecessary breathing, and his already pretty big blind spot in his judgement when it comes to Juno, worked against him and so once Juno glares at him from the shaded safety of the Ruby 7, telling him quite plainly that killing his accomplice before the heist begins isn’t exactly good form…yeah, he’s more than a little embarrassed.

And, as you can tell in both my worldbuilding dump and the short story elaborating on Peter in this au, hunters aren’t in mindset of “all vampires are evil” anymore. So Peter, a mostly-trained not-really-hunter who associated with at least one vampire and their family group several times before he was 16, isn’t going to see the lady he’s already fallen head-over-heels for being a vampire as a deal breaker. No angst, just Peter looking at Juno’s whole deal compared to the vampires he knew in the Outer Rim and going, “Damn bitch, you live like this?”

When it comes to angst in this au, the only thing that isn’t just canon angst is an added bonus to the Martian Tomb situation. I’m sure you can figure that part out. But honestly, why worry about that when Juno Steel is attempting to brood and keeps getting sprayed with water by Rita like a misbehaving cat?


	2. The Solar System and Vampires

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some worldbuilding stuff that I decided to give its own chapter. You can find the original post [here](https://boopboopitydoop.tumblr.com/post/617112342671638528/on-earth-before-space-travel-became-as-common-as).

On Earth, before space travel became as common as dirt, vampires had very strict society, based heavily on sires and “bloodlines” and such (think somewhere along the lines of Vampire: The Masquerade for inspiration here, though with less magic superpowers). Older, more ancient vampires held a lot of power in secret, with entire networks of younger vampires beholden to them.

Then, when the first colonies in space were created, vampires started to leave Earth. The farther from the sun humans went, the more vampires chose to leave Earth behind. Suddenly many of the older vampires were left mostly alone, clinging to the opulent remains of their control on Earth. Many of them died, while more of them lived and yet were unable to do much. Some say they are still waiting for the day that they can take back their power, too deluded by nostalgia for what used to be to realize it’ll never happen.

Now, far into the future, vampire society essentially does not exist. Vampires are nowhere near as common as humans, and the majority of them live in the Outer Rim, where distance from the sun means they can actually do things like go outside during the day for like eight hours without dying. While it really depends on the planet, Outer Rim vampires generally appreciate luxuries such as having a job, maintaining human connections, and having an easier time remaining under cover due to not being limited to just night time on top of everything else.

Thus, strict bloodlines and sire-fledgling relationships have fallen out of favor over the centuries, due to younger vampires no longer having a significant disadvantage, and small family/friend groups have become more common, along with a few scattered individuals. Groups of vampires generally work together to keep themselves alive and develop close relationships as a result.

When it comes to feeding, it mostly depends on the planet. Most will drink a little from many different people and supplement their diet with blood from a blood bank (in fact, in the Outer Rim, a vampire working at a blood bank to provide blood for their group is not unheard of). On places like Brahma, where feeding directly isn’t safe (the Guardian Angel System is the great equalizer for everyone not living in New Kinshasa), it gets a bit more complicated. There is at least one vampire who offers information to criminals in return for blood in order to help keep themselves and their family group alive. Despite these complicating factors, Outer Rim vampires generally maintain decent diets.

Drinking until full from one person is a practice that is looked down upon by other vampires, mostly because it nearly always kills the victim. Even vampires who have no moral qualms about murder consider this a bad way of feeding, as it leaves an incredibly noticeable trail of bodies and can endanger other vampires in the area. Vampires who do this tend to be loners and usually get killed very quickly, often by other vampires trying to keep their family groups safe.

Turning is, 9/10, fully consensual. The person will almost always already have a close bond with the vampire who turns them, perhaps with the entire group that vampire is part of. It works like in Buffy the Vampire Slayer and other media, where the vampire drinks and the person drinks a bit of the vampire’s blood. The non-consensual turnings are usually a result of a vampire drinking too much and, panicking at the idea of murder and/or getting killed for killing their victim, turning them so they don’t technically die. This practice is also looked down upon but it’s significantly harder to track when this happens.

Hunters exist, though they are rarer than vampires. Like vampires, they used to have much more strict training and stuff, but in the centuries since their roles and teaching style have shifted. Hunters typically pass down the role parent to child, though not always. Hunters also have shifted from a mindset of “all vampires are pure evil and I must kill all of them” to “focus on the superpowered serial killers and less on the ones who are just trying to get to work on time”, which started mostly out of self-preservation (family groups are much more close knit than traditional vampire society and a group of vampires pissed that you just tried to kill their friend who was minding their own business is a lot harder to handle than an edgelord who had alienated themselves, if not earned the outright hostility, from other vampires through their murderous feeding activities), but, as a result, hunters will occasionally work with vampires in order to get rid of a bad apple, even developing working or friendly relationships with specific vampires or family groups.

And now, take all the above information…and throw it all away because we’re on Mars, and that means it’s a fundamentally different experience!

Vampires get progressively less common the closer to the sun you get. Family groups stop really being a thing somewhere around Uranus, instead mostly individuals or pairs who tend towards more nomadic lifestyles and shifting to just lone vampires not long after that. By the time you get to Mars, the forth goddamn planet from the sun, encountering a vampire is laughably unlikely, and that vampire probably doesn’t live on Mars full time anyway, instead probably just traveling and seeing the sights because they can. Turnings almost never happen, and when they do they are usually out of desperate attempts to not kill the victim of an accidental over-feeding. Sunlight exposure is a much bigger risk, and it may not kill you as fast as on Earth, but a vampire on Mars can only handle roughly an hour of direct sunlight before they die, a bit longer under the domes (Note: No one knows of any vampires who’ve gone to Mercury, probably because they died very quickly). Any hunters encountered are either retired, have changed professions, or are chasing a specific murdery vampire.

Basically, if you’re newly turned on Mars, you better hope your dumbass of a sire is at least willing to stick around long enough to tell you you’re a vampire, and, if not, then hopefully you have a secretary who knows all the vampire tropes in media and has a vested interest in keeping you alive.

Mechanics wise, vampires work the same as in most media. Can be killed by wooden stake to the heart (not much of an issue on Mars _or_ in the Outer Rim, since synth wood doesn’t count), immolation, beheading, and sunlight. They don’t need to breathe or eat (Juno does both of those, the former as a force of habit and the latter just because). They do sleep, and are usually nocturnal. Holy symbols can hurt them, not just Christian ones, but not enough to be significant. Generally they are stronger and faster than the average human, though the extent of that is usually a result of how well-fed they are. In this au, vampires can starve to death, though they have to go a while without blood to manage that (so thank goodness for Rita).

So yeah, that’s what I’ve got so far?


	3. The Hunter's Legacy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you were wondering about Peter in this story, here you go. Original post can be found [here](https://boopboopitydoop.tumblr.com/post/617239243527471104/if-you-were-wondering-about-peter-in-the-vampire). Warnings for blood, needles, blood donation done without a professional available (vampires do not count as professionals), and minor discussions of child homelessness (just to cover bases).

Mag had never really intended on teaching anyone. He had been taught by his mother, but she was long dead and he had turned to more useful skillsets over the years. The knowledge she had given him was useful in some ways, but the ability to disappear, to snatch something from someone’s pockets without them seeing, to wear a name like a second skin and embody it fully, that was ultimately more useful on the streets of Brahma, for a thief and for a revolutionary.

Even with finding and taking Peter under his wing, he had never intended to teach him like his mother had taught him. It wasn’t relevant to the mission, wouldn’t be helpful to him or their goals. Besides, he was not Peter’s father, and he couldn’t take that role when the story he had made about Peter’s “real” father was so vital to his plans. He was training Peter to be his partner in taking down New Kinshasa, not raising him as a son.

(He needed to remind himself of that often. Rule one of thieving: Don’t let yourself get distracted from the end goal.)

Still, Peter was going to have learn some things about this, with where they were going.

Peter was only about ten when Mag first brought him to visit Nessa. Their last hideout had been compromised and Mag needed help locating a new one, and there was nowhere safe to leave Peter. Trustworthy contacts weren’t as hard to find as one would expect in Brahma, since every criminal in the city would find themselves next on the chopping block if they tried to sell another out, but Mag preferred Nessa. There were never any strings attached to dealing with them, just a straight forward transaction.

When Nessa opened the door, they took one look at Peter before giving Mag an incredulous look, asking, “When did you make a kid?”

“I didn’t make him,” Mag insisted.

“Adopted, then?” They went ahead and stepped aside, letting Peter and Mag inside the building.

“More like an apprentice,” Mag explained, and they narrowed their eyes at him. Before they could say anything, he lightly nudged Peter and said, “Why don’t you say hi, Pete?”

“Hi,” Peter greeted Nessa cautiously, and they gave him a sharp-toothed smile and held out a hand.

“Hey kid, I’m Nessa.” Their smile grew a little wider at the way Peter adorably squared his shoulders before taking their hand and shaking it with all the firmness a ten-year-old could manage, which looked absolutely adorable. “Mag treating you all right?”

“Uh huh! He’s been teaching me how to get food safely!” Peter explained, smiling a little at that. “And he’s teaching me so I can help people like my dad did!”

(Mag didn’t feel guilty about lying. He didn’t. But that smile on Peter’s face was enough to make him wish it wasn’t a lie, just a little.)

Nessa nodded. “That sounds exciting, kiddo. I bet you’re going to help a lot of people someday.” Then, they turned their attention to Mag. “So, let’s talk business then. What do you need?”

Mag could practically see Peter’s eyes glaze over from boredom as he and Nessa talked about things that were boring to a young kid, logistical stuff that didn’t really matter to him.

Finally, once they had worked out the terms, Mag asked, “How much?”

“A pint, same as usual,” Nessa answered. “And we’re using the needle. I gotta feed my family after all.”

He groaned at that. Mag had never been fond of needles.

“Wait, what are you doing?” Peter asked, looking confused as Mag sat down on the couch and tugged his sleeve up past his elbow.

“I don’t get paid in creds,” Nessa explained, returning to the couch with various medical supplies. “I get paid in blood, and so Mag is going to give me a pint in return for setting you guys up in a new safehouse.”

Peter’s eyes went wide as Ness wrapped something tight around Mag’s upper arm, using their fingers to press against the inner skin of his elbow.

“Don’t worry, Pete, I can handle losing a pint of blood,” Mag assured him.

“But…but why blood?” Peter asked, as Nessa carefully pressed a circular mark against a spot on Mag’s arm.

“Well, everybody’s gotta eat,” they explained cheerfully. “My family and I just have to drink blood instead of normal food.” They gave Mag a disappointed look as they handed him a roll of bandages to squeeze. “Honestly, Mag. Your mom at least told you vampires were a thing before introducing us. I probably would have traumatized the poor kid if I fed from you directly.”

Peter watched with huge eyes as Nessa inserted the needle into Mag’s arm, and the bag began to fill with blood.

Mag periodically squeezed and released the roll of bandages, and Peter began bombarding Nessa with questions as the bag grew more and more full. They answered them all in a straightforward manner, which just encouraged Peter to ask even more questions.

“I’m surprised Mag hadn’t taught you any of this,” Nessa remarked, giving Mag an odd look as they eventually removed the needle and placed gauze over the hole in his arm. “You are basically his apprentice after all.”

“Didn’t feel necessary,” Mag admitted.

They rolled their eyes. “Maybe not, but it’s all still good to know. If you really do manage to take down the Guardian Angel System, then some bad apples might come out of the woodwork once they think it’s safe. He’d be safer knowing what to do if that happens.”

Mag scoffed. “Your family’s the only vampires around for miles. I doubt he’s ever going to need it.”

“Is that a risk you’re willing to take?” Nessa asked, raising an eyebrow. “It’s better to know and never need the information than to not know and get killed, Mag. He might need that kind of training someday.”

He was silent at that.

“Sit tight,” they continued. “I’ll get you some water and snacks.”

After they left the room, Peter asked, “What were they talking about? What kind of training?”

He sighed. “It’s not relevant to what we do, Pete. You’ll probably never even need it. It’s just some things my mother taught me when I was a kid.”

Peter frowned. “Oh.” And he looked disappointed.

One of the messy things with taking Peter in was that he never asked for anything, not really. He had been with Mag for two years and he had yet to find the courage to complain when he didn’t like something or request what he really wanted. He was still getting used to doing more than just barely getting by on the streets, and he seemed unwilling to test Mag’s boundaries out of fear that he might end up back out there.

If Mag left it at that, Peter wouldn’t ask. And yet…

“I guess I can teach you,” Mag decided, a little reluctantly. “Just in case.”

Peter brightened at that. “Really?”

Mag couldn’t help the smile on his face as he reached up and ruffled Peter’s hair. “Yeah. I think it’ll do you some good.”

Peter grinned at that, and his grin grew even brighter when Nessa returned and handed him a package of cookies after passing Mag his snacks. And as he bombarded them with even more questions about vampires and blood and everything, Mag told himself that giving Peter hunter training didn’t have to mean anything.

Tradition didn’t mean shit. Just because hunter training was normally passed from parent to child didn’t mean that it applied here. It’s not like Peter would ever even know the significance behind it anyway, so it was fine.

Mag was not Peter’s dad, and he never would be. But he was his mentor, and imparting the knowledge was a good idea.

It didn’t mean anything.


	4. The Aftermath of the Galaxy’s Worst Dine-and-Dash, feat. Juno Steel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after. You can find the original post [here](https://boopboopitydoop.tumblr.com/post/617255163444576257/the-aftermath-of-the-galaxys-worst-dine-and-dash). Warnings for blood, mentions of an attempted one night stand with dubious consent due to intoxication, alcohol, and discussed alcohol consumption as a self-destructive coping mechanism.

“Mistah Steel…” Rita began, very cautiously. “I don’t know how to break this to ya-”

“Don’t say it,” he grumbled tiredly, looking half dead as he sat on his couch. “I know exactly what you’re thinking and you’re wrong, so just…don’t say it.”

Rita gave him a look. “Well Mistah Steel, ya got two holes and a lot of blood all over your neck-”

“Please don’t remind me about that,” he pleaded, shuddering as he was reminded of the dried blood on his skin. He had nearly fainted at the sight in his bathroom mirror that morning, and that had been right after he _had_ fainted at the blood all over his sheets and pillow cases. The only reason he hadn’t cleaned it off yet was because he had been panicking over how _wrong_ he felt on top of the all the blood.

He didn’t remember much of last night. He had had a case go bad and sent Rita home early, gone to a bar, drank whiskey until he could pretend it didn’t hurt, and he had brought…someone home. He couldn’t remember much about their face. He couldn’t actually remember if they had done anything, just remembered feeling real dizzy and eventually waking up alone in his blood covered sheets and immediately blacking out again.

He had stumbled around his apartment for a bit before calling Rita, and she hadn’t even had time to say hi before he had let out a panicked, “You’re fired.” And now she was here, he still had blood on him, and she was suggesting something that shouldn’t be possible.

“-you keep sayin’ you’re hungry but you’ve eaten everything in your fridge and it didn’t help-”

“It’s not like there was much in there anyway.”

“Honestly Mistah Steel, you need to take better care of yourself,” Rita grumbled, before shaking her head and continuing, “Anyway, you started hissing when I opened the curtains-”

“I’m hungover and you shined a bright light in my face, I think I’m allowed to be pissed about that.”

“-and it wasn’t the hungover kinda hissing either, Mistah Steel, because I’ve heard your hungover hissing-at-the-sun before and it never sounded like you were actually in any pain.” She grabbed his wrist at that, pressing two fingers to the inside of it and pursing her lips for a moment. “And ya don’t got a pulse.”

He knew that. He had actually figured that one out pretty quickly, when he couldn’t feel his heart beating out of his chest despite being on what he knew was the edge of a panic attack.

“Okay yeah, that’s admittedly weird, but that doesn’t mean…”

Rita just gave him a look, and he let out a groan.

“Do we really have to say it? It’s…it’s crazy? It’s crazy and ridiculous and there is no way in hell that-”

“Well Mistah Steel,” Rita interrupted, “you also said there was no way in hell we’d ever go shopping together for dresses and yet I know there’s a really nice yellow dress in your closet that you should really wear more often, because it looks real nice on you and I think it’d be nice for just a day out in the park or something ya know? Anyway, you say ‘no way in hell’ a lot for someone who always ends up doin’ that thing anyway.” 

She slouched noticeably and continued, in a terrible impression of him, “No way in hell am I paying for Mick’s drinks again. No way in hell am I taking a case from the Kanagawas. No way in hell am I getting involved in anymore cases involving kids.” Then she straightened back up and shrugged. “Turns out there are some ways in hell, since ya keep finding ‘em.”

Juno buried his face in his hands. This was…a nightmare. This was absolutely a nightmare. He was going to wake up with a normal hangover and a pulse and no dizzying, drying blood on his neck. He would wake up after a completely normal one night stand he couldn’t remember and he wouldn’t have this hunger that seemed to be digging into his stomach and twisting it and just wouldn’t go away.

He removed his hands from his face, and he was till on the couch, the curtains shut tight to block out the sun, and Rita was still sitting beside looking at him patiently, waiting for him to stop denying the obvious, however impossible it was.

“…Fuck.”

“It’s alright, Mistah Steel,” Rita assured him, patting him gently on the back. “So you’re a vampire now. I’m sure we can figure it out!”

He groaned again. “This is…the worst.”

“Well it could be worse! You could be dead dead instead of undead.”

“Not helping, Rita.”

“Well, we still haven’t gotten to the worst part yet,” Rita pointed out, grimacing as she did. He didn’t like that expression on her face. “After all, you still gotta eat.” She gave him a knowing look, and when the dots connected in his head, they didn’t exactly form a pretty picture.

… _Fuck_.

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to ask me more about the au, shoot me a message on [Tumblr](https://boopboopitydoop.tumblr.com). If you want to _contribute_ to the AU, feel free, but please tag me (@boopboopitydoop on Tumblr and @TheWritingAce on Twitter) and/or send me a link (I don't use Twitter often and would prefer messages, asks, or submissions through Tumblr) if you post it anywhere, because I'd love to see it and also share it. Also feel free to shoot me a message if you just want to talk!


End file.
